A timid knock on the door of the universe

I admit it. I care about what others think about me.
It keeps me quiet even though I want to share. It is a voice in my head that controls me, makes me re-think everything I want to say or do until I am tied up in knots of fear that I abandon my project. Back I go to stifled creativity and expression.

When I read others who are sharing in a raw, vulnerable, real way I feel invited.
I want to share my voice, my story,
I desire real connection. But it is a big world and I don't know who is reading  and what you are all thinking.  It keeps me off the stage, closed in my house and quiet.

So how do I bust past those limits consistently to tell my story - for I am writing a book, a memoir, for heavens sake.  I must find more comfort in expression.

What if I didn't worry?

My beloved book

The vision was clear, in the bottom right corner of my mind appeared a book. I said to the group I was with, "there is a book for me to write". It was clear, it was true. I was back on track.

I knew about this book. Two months before, I was planning for it, conceptualizing it in my mind. There was a goal set, a year given, momentuum felt- but put on hold to come home after a year of travelling with my husband. I was to start up my counseling business (New Freedom Center) and get working so my husband could immigrate to the U.S. 

 

Two months after being home, I went to a conference with the intention to network. In the first breakout session, the presenter had us visualize ourselves on our death bed surrounded by our dreams, talents, gifts, goals etc.  She invited us to see which of those surrounding our bed were peacefully smiling upon us, feeling fullfillment of their purposes, and which others were upset knowing they would die with us unfullfilled.  In my visualization, there it was, the book.  I knew it was mine like a mother knows her own child.  

I had no idea how to go about writing a book but that didn't matter. I knew in that moment I would do it. I knew from experience that I could do things considered hard or out of my comfort zone. I had already left the comfort of letting things just happen and was actively creating my life. 

 

I told the group with sparkly tingles in my body about this book. I recommitted to the process. I already had an idea, a timeline, and a goal that was 10 months away.  The next day at the conference a speaker (a New York Times best selling author) shared her passion as a writing coach. She was putting on a writing conference in a few weeks to help rid people their blocks and coach them through the publishing process. My eyes widdened by the "bolt of lightning" that electrified me as she spoke.

 

I signed up on the spot because I cannot not obey lightning and visions.  Thanks Angie Fenimore, The Calliope Writing Coach.  (check me out on her testimonial video!)

Six months later, I feel en-JOY-ment in this beautiful process. I have found my voice and have benefited by the healing that personal writing offers. Thank you to my husband, who is on his own for now.  I have put everything on hold for this baby.  My beloved book.
 

Mindful meditations on my morning breakfast

making dams of muesli and chia seeds
breaking them and watching
how long it takes for milk to flood
the valley at the bottom of my bowl
zoning out on raisins or
left over walnut flavor on my tongue

But I don't have time for that!

But then you don't have time for
the extreme peace that flows freely through the spaces in your body-
filling with light love-
with a calmness that quiets what might be important and urgent-

to
what is.
what is right here.
right now.

Because the rest is a movie, an illusion your thoughts have created.

Close your eyes and take a deep breath,
and another one slower and deeper than the first.
Feel the inside of your body-
what do you notice...


It beckons you to feel the aliveness-
the other world that exists within you. 
The universe.

Now before your mind tries to take back over
with how hurried you need to be for this
and for that next thing you think you have to do,
listen inside for the invitation your spirit sends you-
to come back. 

The rain called to me today from my window.
My body heard its invitation and pleaded with me like a little kid over and over-
Can we go?  Can we?  Can we? 
Until I went. 

It didn't matter what I came up with to justify me staying behind the window.
I already knew how cool and refreshing it would be-
how cleansing and magical it would feel to close my eyes and look up-
how presently I could be with nature.

I had such respect for that pine tree whose branch called out for me to help it, as I turned to go in.
It being weighed down with a thousand droplets of water-
and it having seen me relieve neighboring branches,
invited me into its process.

Buzzing

I took a walk this morning, it felt good. I wondered if it was okay to go out walking because recently when I have thought of taking a walk, my body commanded me to stay put in dramatic ways.  I have been listening and obeying it and have discovered wonderful things by doing so.

After my walk, I had many things on my mind to do, but felt an old familiar confusion about where to start.  I felt tired, and so I laid down to nap.  I woke feeling more doubt and confusion about what to do, where to start, what was the most important- best thing to do first, then second etc. till I felt paralyzed to do anything.  I wondered if I should feel guilty for going out and pushing myself, then felt confused by that.  It is a slippery slope...does this sound familiar? 

The opposite of these feelings is a peaceful flow from one thing to the next. I see inspiration flow in and creativity flow out, I feel guided in my efforts. I feel there is an abundance of time and joy in what I get to do. 

So today, I acknowledged the feelings and stopped giving them time, attention and power by reading a delightful book by Selma Lagerlof about a boy who gets turned into an small elf and takes a journey across Sweden on the back of a goose. (This is an advertisement for the book- it is a fun read for any age! The Wonderful Adventures of Nils Holgersson).  After reading one chapter, POP!  The flow arrived and I wrote the following. 

Please pass the salt

In Mark, we are told that salt is good. “Everyone shall be salted with fire”, (fire is what he uses to refine us. It is usually spoken of as trials of life, difficult things that humble us and give us choices).

We can choose- pain, bitterness, hate, revenge, resentment. Or we can choose what that humble place offers us, access to God- we can turn to him, cry to him, place our trust and have faith in him. We can do things that open our mind and heart to him (scriptures, prayer, temple, pondering). If we choose to sacrifice our natural man responses to our fire, “every sacrifice shall be salted with salt”.

“Salt is good; but if the salt have lost his saltness, where with will ye season it?”  If life didn’t have experiences where we can be salted with salt, or in other words gain knowledge through our experiences as we exercise our agency, we could not progress.  Without the opportunities to receive salted salt from our sacrifices, we would not have any savor. 

Because back up to the fire part, if we choose the road of pain, bitterness, etc., we will continue to be “salted” with fire; or given opportunities to receive salt.  If we choose Him, he offers us the savor of freedom, love, understanding, spirit and peace.  When we choose to see the learning and growth opportunities of our experiences, the potential purpose in all things, then we are given strength to walk through the fire. 

So He says, “have salt in yourselves, and have peace one with another”. Have salt, enjoy the salt, rejoice in as much salt as you can get. Salt means you have worked through a challenging situation and allowed it to teach you. 

In Romans 5:3-5 it reads:  “And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; and patience, experience; and experience, hope: and hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us”.

Salt is joy, abundance, love, peace, spirit, and deep soul understanding. 

Mark 9:49-50   “For every one shall be salted with fire, and every sacrifice shall be salted with salt. 

Salt is good: but if the salt have lost his saltness, wherewith will ye season it? Have salt in yourselves, and have peace one with another”.
 

 

Believe

I want to share something I wrote to a friend who was troubled about issues her daughter is experiencing right now. 

 

 

Remember the story when Jesus is approached by Jarius, who asks if he can come and heal his daughter who is very sick.  In fact her father is desperate and falls at his feet, he believes she is at the point of death.

 

Can you imagine this father's worry, desperation, faith, and hope in Jesus?  So Jesus goes with him, then the account shifts to the beautiful story of the woman with the issue of blood that touched the Lord's garment and was healed (Mark 5).  Next, someone comes and reports that Jarius' daughter had died.  I bet you can imagine the pain and grief that ripped this man's heart opened.  The despair that weakens the physical body at this reality was pronounced.

 

The account says, " as soon as Jesus heard the word that was spoken, he saith unto Jarius, be not afraid, only believe".   I imagine, that Christ leaned in to whisper it to this man, with the full power of his love and compassion. 

 

I imagine he whispers this to me, "be not afraid, only believe.  Believe that I have all power, all is in my hands. Turn to me, trust me, and keep moving forward with me".  Calm all those fears, what if's, racing thoughts, etc. and feel the power of my peace. My heart overflows with love, my eyes fill with warm tears.  Our lives, the lives of our children are all in his hands. We are encouraged to be not afraid, only believe. 

 

I believe that our experiences all hold deep soul learning, that we came to this earth to experience. Parents have increased the risk of earthly pain by having children that your hearts are so tied to.  So vulnerable are you to feel pain and suffering as you see them experience what they came to work out. 

 

I believe that as you listen to what the Savior is telling Jarius, you can increase your faith to add to Jesus' power to heal and care for yourself and your children.  That is what he needed from the people he healed, their faith.  You have that faith, and he invites you to amplify it.

"Be not afraid, only believe". 

 

This piece of land is where my fourth great-grandfather lived in Nauvoo Il.  I sat this day in 2003 reading his journal that talked about his desires for his posterity.  His very own journals. This is why I have been inspired to write journal after journal. This blog is calling to me...

The Mountain

Pray through each step.  The storm rages around you. It touches you with stinging force. The waters gathering and rush the trail, covering sure footing. Dark angry clouds flash and boom right here- while you are out in the open.  Uncovered, unprotected from the seemingly unpredictable sparking search for an outlet.  Cold invades your limbs, fingers become numb and painful to the constant opening and closing of fists to ward off hypothermia. 

The storm doesn't stop with our pleadings. The hail continues to humble. Bushes are ill-equipped to shelter.  All we can do is run from it.  The whole mountain to descend.  The rod, a constant prayer out loud:  "please help us, please help us. Help our bodies, help our knees, help our feet, please help us, please help us. Thank you, thank you, thank you for helping us.  Desperate humbling.

Blessed with sturdy feet on the river trail.  A moving target for electricity trying to find the tallest. Strength to run for 3 hours and more miles.  Protection for weak knees to hold out. Mountain held in place from sliding. Extra unseen protection in clothes purposely worn for protecting. He didn't take away the storm, even with our faithful, fervent pleadings. He strengthened us and used our reliance to take each step.

His earth, his children, his power, our experience.  Opportunity to turn to him. How to be grateful?  Whimsy thanks soon to fade with distraction. Life moves forward off the mountain.  Bodies remove the reminders as they miraculously repair and heal. Tender feelings shrink and callous over the urgency of humble dependence. 

We went up to the mountain and found him. 

I caught the vision of abundance during my last stay in Italy; why do I have to have "once in a lifetime" experiences only?  I am coming back next summer I pronounced to the world. Why limit myself? 

So I went back. (I am writing this entry a year later).  I pushed the limits even further by going on a side trip all by myself. 

I went to Lake Guarda, the largest lake in Italy.  I stayed 3 days. 

I saw castles, Roman ruins...

I pondered life in an olive grove

 I borrowed a bike and rode around the lake, stopping to swim, eat, take pictures, enjoy

 

On the way back I stopped in Brescia and found a castle!

 

 and gorgeous streets like this one. Of course...I am in Italy!

 

 

 

The Italian wantabe returns to the blog.  Sitting poolside to Tuscany, I see a landscape of fields and hilltop cities.

Not sure if I like this app for Blogger, I can't resize my photos.  Test run#1.

Creating

I have been totally inspired by Emma Lou Thayne's book "A Place of Knowing - A Spiritual Autobiography".  It makes the words just flow...

Where did my dream to live in Italy become?

Under the Tuscan Sun- the love story between a woman and a country-
is where I first felt the desire. 
I imagined it
            settling into the newness
            inserting myself into centuries of lived life
            blending and accustoming.
 

Later, I felt its possibility paling to a sun muted dream

One tucked away into comfortable cells to visit for a fleeting moment. 
One I would just have to store…
Until two Italians pulled up chairs next to me
And breathed expanding air and without effort helped
Those cells express in bright vibrant colors.

With still more to learn and growth to bless (named WNV),
I flow with vibrant swirls of possibility
Now where is that colored dream?

       A black outlined coloring book page waiting for that delight of child to stomach color?

           or a blank page waiting for someone to boldly declare?
                   or a lined pages in this notebook to left brain it out?

I get possibility. 

“…and whatsoever ye shall ask, it shall be given you” Moses 6:52.

_____________________________________________________________

What has happened to me over the 1^st 8 months of last year? 

I have existed on another plane.
I have floated, buoyed up by peaceful heart knowing water wings
that open my spirit mind, the body giving up the wheel, content as a passenger.
Learning to entertain visitors
Each event taking me to a higher high
With no fear of tolerance or need to detox
Not from this substance.

______________________________________________________________

4/7/13

The silence
          of the door opening, the clock ticking
straining to hear movement, voices, a welcoming of love
Just me forever?

My soul expands out beyond the bounds of Signora Drive on a crisp evening of green. 

The excitement of possibility
The anticipation of these days being a fond memory

My voice is coming out-

It stops people like a crossing guard allowing unfettered ideas to lift those I love

The silence of this one moment

I have to myself

My heart bursts from my chest reaching for that unknown person – pulling them towards this vision of wrapped up love. 

Look where I have come from, wondering where I get to go, sitting here grateful in silence

Clock ticking

Door opening

Arlington National Cemetery 2013

The women in my genes

My throat buzzes with energy to be told

The story of my life

That goes back through generations of women who had their chance here

When their world was revolving around them and the thought of not mattering didn’t exist

Here they are just stored in files, names and dates, trees with branches forgotten

They branch from me

So many women going in all directions

Each one with a story;  I was born, I lived, I died.

Their stories never reached paper that I could know their inner workings

 

Come to me women- I will write for you. Mothers and daughters passing down codes of what it is to be a woman.

They watch with eagerness to see me find their names, say them, give them an existence

Abigail, Alice, Ellen, Alice, Margaret, Hanna, Sarah, Agnes, Charlotte, Sarah, Martha, Lina, Mary, Eliza, Martha, Sarah, Mary, Hannah, Hannah, Sarah

Matilda, Mary Ann, Caroline, Elizath, Bonnie, Emily, Anna, Ann, Martha, Mary, Susanna, Charlotte, Jane, Ann, Barbara, Viola

Feet facing the sun, hitting the down beat to the music I am listening to.  I soar in my hammock.  My body soaks in the sun and remembers recent times under the Italian sun. It remembers just a year ago that the sun hurt.  Gratitude for health and swinging where I am right now.  With memories spilling over.

The big tree of liberty, love and peace

July 30, 2012 - Under the big tree at the big yellow house with blues the dog and Teresa the artist. 
I am ready to return home, go back to my life and stop living out of a suitcase. I don't know why I couldn't return next summer. I have confidence that I could make it, and I have great friends to stay with. 
This first trip of mine to Italy makes me smile and tear up. Was it what I expected? I have travelled many places and have learned about Italian history and culture. I lived in the moment, soaked in everything. I explored the streets here and the "streets of my life". I got to stay with many different families, to see how they live, how families work here. I had time to try the food, all the things they enjoy eating. Time to understand what my body likes and doesn't like. I broke through fears my body had and worked on fears I had about my body. I have felt very close to God and felt guided and growth here. I practiced letting people know me. I have had time to ponder and relax, just to think about life.  I have enjoyed taking pictures, reading, learning, studying history, asking questions about everything. I love what others have shared with me. I have taken time to enjoy the bells tolling, the architecture, people watching, nature, churches. The free time has been enjoyed. Having my own agenda was great- being able to wander and do what I want, just me!  I have made the best out of tough times. Had fun being frivolous, shopping and spending money, eating loads of gelatto!  I have come to learn the importance of the church I belong to. That it offers a fullness of the gospel of Jesus Christ. It is his church restored in these days with the saving power and ordinances that gives us access to God.

Dreaming

I wrote in my journal once - dreaming is hard to come by such a practical person. 
June 6, 2012, 9:30 pm journal entry as I was entertained by the view of Borgio Vareze. 

How do I describe how lucky I feel to be here.  I am in this completely gorgeous place.  It is an evening with the Ligurian sea breezing through the ivy colored arches, bringing with it the cool blue of the water, the flirty green texture of the hills. Orange, pink, yellow buildings are beginning to glow with the night lights. The clouds sit relaxing in the sky overhead.

So I could hang my shingle here, do therapy.  My name could spread through the region here and people would come.  I could live in a year-round Mediterranean climate, by the seaside. I could have an office in Tuscany that I worked in one week of the month.  (the music right now is telling me to get up and boogie).  I could teach a yoga class on the beach. I could have a place to rent out a couple bedrooms to tourists. I could own a stand where I sold gelatto snow cones.
 I can do anything!

Inspiration Point

These pictures were taken at the beginning and the end of my trip at Inspiration point on the vineyard at the big yellow house.  What is different?  Besides a few extra pounds...

May

August

This is what I wrote on the plane ride home:

Pondering over the experiences I have had over the last 3 months, I am comfortable in my skin, in my life, in my beliefs, in my dedication and determination to stick with God.  I am happy here and grateful for it. I can let that flow freely from me - sit where I am and gather and share. I love the view of my great life- what is new what is past and what is ahead. It feels wide open, and that great things are out there. There is no restraint. I need to bottle this for times I may not feel this way.

I watched the Best Exotic Marigold Hotel in my reclined, massaging 1st class chair, on the ride home and found myself writing as fast as I could the thoughts from the movie. 
"Everything will be all right in the end and if its not all right, its not the end".
"Things haven't worked out like I expected, most things don't but sometimes what happens instead is the good stuff".
"The person that risks nothing, does nothing-  has nothing". 

Milan Cemetery

8/3/12  Carola asked why I would go to the cemetery.  Has she been? 
This place was like a museum.  I was so touched by seeing the emotion of death expressed in stone. I thought about how we as mortals have to confront what happens to us when life leaves our fragile bodies. How interesting to see how people deal with the fear, sadness, longing, grief.  When they visit these monuments, what do they think about? How do they feel? We humans tend to forget the big plan - we get busy with life. The world spins around us, until death stops it and makes us confront it.

I tried to capture all these thoughts in the pictures I took. 

Home

After a first class trip and one flight delay, I arrived on American Soil at 10:45 pm.  Thankfully, my luggage arrived ahead of me - didn't need this face.  

I finally got to hold lil' Thomas, my very own nephew.  I have been trying to hold him as much as possible.   My first few days I would wake up at 3:00 am and go to bed at 9:00 pm. I have been eating as many veggies from the garden as I can.

Goodbye Italian soil

I had to make one last post while here in Italy, then I will have to catch up on the story of my trip at home.  I do this at Tita and Millie Moretti s house in Calco, just outside Milan. The Italian keyboard is a bit different, I cant find the apostrophe and the shift key is in a different place.

I have been filled with gratitude and joy the last few days as I think back on my time here.  I have loved the whole package of the trip. It has ingrained in me a desire to do this more, to spend my money and time on these experiences. I have been drawn to the scripture in Doctrine & Covenants that talks about learning all you can, about cultures, places, history etc. I feel so inspired to have studied here in all forms.  I love the people I have come to know.  They are instant friends and have been so generous. I pray for them to have all the happiness and blessings they deserve for taking good care of me.  I love all my friends and family back home who have been so supportive of me and who have kept in touch with me while I was here.  It was a very important part of my trip to be able to talk with you.  I thank my Heavenly Father for caring about me personally, and letting me know it. For allowing me all that I have experienced here. 

Carola told me that I cant end this chapter...it is just the beginning.  sigh....