Buzzing

I took a walk this morning, it felt good. I wondered if it was okay to go out walking because recently when I have thought of taking a walk, my body commanded me to stay put in dramatic ways.  I have been listening and obeying it and have discovered wonderful things by doing so.

After my walk, I had many things on my mind to do, but felt an old familiar confusion about where to start.  I felt tired, and so I laid down to nap.  I woke feeling more doubt and confusion about what to do, where to start, what was the most important- best thing to do first, then second etc. till I felt paralyzed to do anything.  I wondered if I should feel guilty for going out and pushing myself, then felt confused by that.  It is a slippery slope...does this sound familiar? 

The opposite of these feelings is a peaceful flow from one thing to the next. I see inspiration flow in and creativity flow out, I feel guided in my efforts. I feel there is an abundance of time and joy in what I get to do. 

So today, I acknowledged the feelings and stopped giving them time, attention and power by reading a delightful book by Selma Lagerlof about a boy who gets turned into an small elf and takes a journey across Sweden on the back of a goose. (This is an advertisement for the book- it is a fun read for any age! The Wonderful Adventures of Nils Holgersson).  After reading one chapter, POP!  The flow arrived and I wrote the following. 



When doubt or confusion enter in, like the annoying fly buzzing through my open window on the first day in a few that I could have my window open.  The first day in a few that I chose to go on a long walk.

These emotions enter my mind and remind me what I used to experience before I got into the practice of listening to my body. My body, for once feeling heard by me, has relished in the partnership.  My body has caught my attention fully as to drive away doubt or confusion about what to do with my time here in Sweden.

I am in a place where nothing is expected of me.  There are many things I can do.  That would have been frightening to me years ago when doing was anesthesia to the realities of my life. Doing kept me numb to seeing, understanding and full freedom. It kept me from questioning- and brought in the tide of confusion.  Denial now feels like swimming through mud. 

In Sweden where I don't have to do anything and I get to do whatever I want,
I am being.

Being looks like the harmony and rhythm of my emotional, physical, mental and spiritual self playing a piece of creation.
It looks like calm stillness- that opens a channel of inspiration.
It looks like a major remodeling project on a home where the old walls of beliefs are crumbling into rubble.  Walls from the new plan promising comfort and light.  I am feeling more at home in this place.
It looks like trading in the unconscious automaticity to intentional creating.

The doubt and confusion that buzzes "what should I be doing?" flies quickly out the window.  No place for it here- in the land of choice.

Where if I choose something I don't like, I get to choose again.
Where with a quiet soul- ideas POP!  easily one after another.
And I am fulfilled. 

1.  Stop and be quiet
2.  Allow discomfort
3.  Ask what YOU want
4.  Do that

Clear your mind to voices who say:
          I should, I must, I have to, I need to

Replace them with:
          I choose to, I want to, I like to, I get to, I feel like


With listening and love.