A timid knock on the door of the universe

I admit it. I care about what others think about me.
It keeps me quiet even though I want to share. It is a voice in my head that controls me, makes me re-think everything I want to say or do until I am tied up in knots of fear that I abandon my project. Back I go to stifled creativity and expression.

When I read others who are sharing in a raw, vulnerable, real way I feel invited.
I want to share my voice, my story,
I desire real connection. But it is a big world and I don't know who is reading  and what you are all thinking.  It keeps me off the stage, closed in my house and quiet.

So how do I bust past those limits consistently to tell my story - for I am writing a book, a memoir, for heavens sake.  I must find more comfort in expression.

What if I didn't worry?

Mindful meditations on my morning breakfast

making dams of muesli and chia seeds
breaking them and watching
how long it takes for milk to flood
the valley at the bottom of my bowl
zoning out on raisins or
left over walnut flavor on my tongue

But I don't have time for that!

But then you don't have time for
the extreme peace that flows freely through the spaces in your body-
filling with light love-
with a calmness that quiets what might be important and urgent-

to
what is.
what is right here.
right now.

Because the rest is a movie, an illusion your thoughts have created.

Close your eyes and take a deep breath,
and another one slower and deeper than the first.
Feel the inside of your body-
what do you notice...


It beckons you to feel the aliveness-
the other world that exists within you. 
The universe.

Now before your mind tries to take back over
with how hurried you need to be for this
and for that next thing you think you have to do,
listen inside for the invitation your spirit sends you-
to come back. 

Buzzing

I took a walk this morning, it felt good. I wondered if it was okay to go out walking because recently when I have thought of taking a walk, my body commanded me to stay put in dramatic ways.  I have been listening and obeying it and have discovered wonderful things by doing so.

After my walk, I had many things on my mind to do, but felt an old familiar confusion about where to start.  I felt tired, and so I laid down to nap.  I woke feeling more doubt and confusion about what to do, where to start, what was the most important- best thing to do first, then second etc. till I felt paralyzed to do anything.  I wondered if I should feel guilty for going out and pushing myself, then felt confused by that.  It is a slippery slope...does this sound familiar? 

The opposite of these feelings is a peaceful flow from one thing to the next. I see inspiration flow in and creativity flow out, I feel guided in my efforts. I feel there is an abundance of time and joy in what I get to do. 

So today, I acknowledged the feelings and stopped giving them time, attention and power by reading a delightful book by Selma Lagerlof about a boy who gets turned into an small elf and takes a journey across Sweden on the back of a goose. (This is an advertisement for the book- it is a fun read for any age! The Wonderful Adventures of Nils Holgersson).  After reading one chapter, POP!  The flow arrived and I wrote the following. 

Hello,
If you have read my blog, you may have enjoyed my travel adventures and pictures, or you may have enjoyed my play with poetry and words. You may have enjoyed reading about this amazing manifested miracle that happened named Leo a year ago.

I have enjoyed this blog and the process of me becoming vulnerable. When I first started it, it was a private blog, now it is public and more and more I am posting my truth. There was a time in the not too distant of my past that I could not tell or live my truth, because I didn't know it. It was so buried under what I thought I should do, how I should be, and what I should say to get love and approval.

Over the last 3 years or so I have undergone intensive digging down to the core of my being to uncover that truth. I have done this by identifying and releasing faulty core beliefs I have picked up along the way in my physical experience and by remembering my truth. I have had companions along the way to help with this digging. I had a friend introduce me to Rapid Eye Technology (RET) which was a major tool to get this process started. It was like therapy on steroids! I direct you to my business website for more about RET and my story New Freedom Center

I discovered Carol Tuttle's energy types and began living and Dressing my Truth.

Here I sit four years later, I am certified in RET and starting my practice. I have received additional training and instruction on this- my life mission.  I feel so alive and free, so much joy, love, meaning, purpose, abundance, excitement, peace, direction,and tools for when life gets a little rocky. I no longer wait for the other shoe to drop, or for the roller coaster ride to end. I believe that everything in my life is perfect, only perfect things happen to me.  That even includes the, what I considered in the past to be, tough, dark, unknown, and scary times.  Those times, though uncomfortable, hold great information and meaning.  I now have tools to acknowledge and accept them for what they are. The resistance is gone to those moments, instead, I wait and listen.

And now, I want to share.  I want to share my truth. Those that share their truth with me will never know how inspired I feel by their vulnerability.  How inviting it has been to help me write this post and the posts that will follow.

I no longer need to hide because I have the only love and approval I will ever need...my own.
So I love and approve this post. 
In gratitude and love.
p.s. lots of love going on...

burst forth

I have a friend who has a blog. She is a writer, which I have always been star struck by, and is pouring her heart out on a blog.  Every time I read a new entry of hers, I feel such a bursting forth from within to write. She is telling her truth and being vulnerable, and it invites me to do the same.

Her blog  Go and check it out and come back though,  I am working up the courage to share my truth.

Maybe I will start by telling you how we know each other.

She moved into my neighborhood and began attending my church. I saw her and wanted to know her, but we were both involved in different activities. Then fate brought us together. Because we were supposed to know each other, I can see that, and we can both see that great things are ahead of us in our soul sisterliness.

When we get together, it is like pillow talk x10. Pillow talk is what teenage girls do at sleepovers, talk non-stop, all night long.  We can go for hours, especially if we have popcorn on hand.  We don't discuss our recent crushes or what so and so did in gym class.  It is hard to describe what happens when we talk.  It feel like we are coming to deep understanding- one will start a topic and when finished, the other will have an idea sparked from their personal experience that they will share, and it goes back and forth. Sometimes you can follow the thread, sometimes everything seems unrelated, until we arrive at the end. We share dreams we have had that the other will interpret with jaw dropping accuracy. Everything seems related and builds on each other.   Deep soul learning is then tied up with all that has been said into a package delivered to each of us as we progress on our individual journeys.

We have had very different life experiences, but it seems that we are on parallel pathways now joined going to a specific destination. She has been such a powerful part of my process in the last few years. We have had some amazing experiences together.

While I have been out of the country this last year, we discovered Skype, and now have weekly sessions. I think our record we have talked was 3 hours, 45 minutes! We found that when we talk about something that has a lot of energy/power tied to it, that a river will run through our space. I hear a rushing river sound, she hears nothing, not even my voice. We wait until it is gone and resume discussions.  We are just too powerful for Skype! 

Currently we both feel like we are being prepared for something great together. There are some major remodeling projects going on in our lives right now in preparation, so stay tuned...

I am bursting forth.

Creating

I have been totally inspired by Emma Lou Thayne's book "A Place of Knowing - A Spiritual Autobiography".  It makes the words just flow...

Where did my dream to live in Italy become?

Under the Tuscan Sun- the love story between a woman and a country-
is where I first felt the desire. 
I imagined it
            settling into the newness
            inserting myself into centuries of lived life
            blending and accustoming.
 

Later, I felt its possibility paling to a sun muted dream

One tucked away into comfortable cells to visit for a fleeting moment. 
One I would just have to store…
Until two Italians pulled up chairs next to me
And breathed expanding air and without effort helped
Those cells express in bright vibrant colors.

With still more to learn and growth to bless (named WNV),
I flow with vibrant swirls of possibility
Now where is that colored dream?

       A black outlined coloring book page waiting for that delight of child to stomach color?

           or a blank page waiting for someone to boldly declare?
                   or a lined pages in this notebook to left brain it out?

I get possibility. 

“…and whatsoever ye shall ask, it shall be given you” Moses 6:52.

_____________________________________________________________

What has happened to me over the 1^st 8 months of last year? 

I have existed on another plane.
I have floated, buoyed up by peaceful heart knowing water wings
that open my spirit mind, the body giving up the wheel, content as a passenger.
Learning to entertain visitors
Each event taking me to a higher high
With no fear of tolerance or need to detox
Not from this substance.

______________________________________________________________

4/7/13

The silence
          of the door opening, the clock ticking
straining to hear movement, voices, a welcoming of love
Just me forever?

My soul expands out beyond the bounds of Signora Drive on a crisp evening of green. 

The excitement of possibility
The anticipation of these days being a fond memory

My voice is coming out-

It stops people like a crossing guard allowing unfettered ideas to lift those I love

The silence of this one moment

I have to myself

My heart bursts from my chest reaching for that unknown person – pulling them towards this vision of wrapped up love. 

Look where I have come from, wondering where I get to go, sitting here grateful in silence

Clock ticking

Door opening

Arlington National Cemetery 2013

"The world has become continuously flowing, evolving in an exquisitely coordinated evolutionary dance in which significance and source are overwhelming".

Peace

 

"The world one sees is illuminated by the exquisite beauty and perfection of creation- everything happens effortlessly by synchronicity, and the world and everything in it is seen to be an expression of love and divinity".

Joy

 

--Power verses Force

What is on the agenda for 2012?

In my cozy home, reviewing the last year of journal entries, I type by the light of the Christmas tree on its last night of glowing, colorly brightness.  Here are some things I really enjoy:

1. The thought of my hammock on warm summer nights.  Unless it was a warm summer night, then I would be out there slathered in bug spray. 
2. Turning on shows like The Story, Fresh Air or Moth Radio Hour on NPR and cooking. 
3. Singing primary songs or reading the Book of Mormon. Beating those cross references to death and marking up those thin pages with my thoughts.
4. My life right now- the jobs I have teaching and doing therapy, wondering what is around the next corner of my life. Being excited but trusting in God that it will be good.  That Italy trip doesn't sound too bad :) 
5. Feeling like I have the power to create my life.  "...get yourself a big and healthy life.  Then if someone comes along it will be like icing on the cake." -Elizabeth Gilbert or "I found myself an entire future to invent" -Frances Mayes   Curious...quotes from two women who went to Italy after their marriages ended.
6. My family and dear friends for all they have given me. Listen to this quote "Help me to recognize and celebrate all the magnificent people with whom I have connected, and all the rich experiences I have lived.  As I recognize the grandness of my life, I feel truly blessed."- Inna Segal
7. My practice of living in the present moment- live each day, each week, each second as I am passing through it, be here to witness it and stretch yourself out in it. Roll yourself up in it like a big comforter (I guess that would be the good times), for the hard times...be still with it and see what is there to learn and experience.

So what is on the agenda for 2012?
My life has opened a door- with bright warm streaming light entering. I bask in the joys of being all by my very own self. I delight in creating space inside me for the light to play and dance around.  I connect to this very moment of time, riding it like a surfer's wave, content to savor the life out of it(written from the hammock- August 6, 2011...pre West Nile Virus).