But I can’t still be sick, and still be out of work?
This virus has invaded my body, my strength and control over my life. I have been able to “feel” in control of my health, was pushing my fitness level. Now I am in a tunnel that doesn’t have an end. This tunnel left me feeling hopeless and humbled this weekend. I gave up. Feeling alone came out with tears. I reached out and asked for help, inconveniencing Meg’s sleep. Allowing her the honor of giving me a foot massage and lending a listening ear, it helped. General conference carried me over a dark vale, let me see some light of hope, a remembrance of my exciting life I used to know. Here I am, the clock ticking for me to be back to functioning, and I try not to think about what I am missing with work, try not to think about feeling anxious about returning and will I really be ready after a month off of teaching? A whole month!
What is rest? When I watch a movie, I get real relaxed, that when I get up I feel like I have had a nap. I try to get out in the sun once a day and go on a short walk. I don’t have a good book to read right now and I can’t read very long. It feels that I should be doing something else. I try to just sit there without occupying my mind, and I get anxious. I try to listen to my body to see what it needs…it usually leads me to the bed and TV. If I do too much I end up with a headache. I am afraid of those headaches and being alone. Yesterday it was hard to breathe. Today my neck is stiff, but I think it is from weird laying positions. I am hoping it is not meningitis. I don’t want hospital bills. I don’t tell anyone and just watch it. It is not too bad and really just feels like a sore neck. Nothing like the pulled muscle feeling I had at the first.
Symptoms? What are the symptoms people ask. I tell them it is different every week. Extreme fatigue, headaches, rashes, hives, sore-blistery throat, light sensitivity and eye twitching that distorts my vision, joint pain, trouble breathing, anxiety, sleep disturbance, appetite changes. It is hard for me to smile or take too much stimulation. I have asked people to talk more slowly and not ask too many questions. I tried to work for 5 hours at the counseling job and I was exhausted after 31/2. That gave me a huge headache and I was tired for the next two days. Now I am on an antibiotic, probiotics, anxiety medication, Benadryl, Tylenol pm, and Aleve.
How long will it last? I have heard that it can take people up to a year to feel better. Some 4 months. That can’t be me. My muscles are already weakening and my tummy flabby. My face looks swollen, pale and ziti. Who know what my hair looks like, as it is always tied back. Will I ever feel ready to go back to teaching? Will I need to dip into my Italy fund or ask for financial help? My students are freaking out. They are not handling changes to the class and the sub very well. I am hearing about it through email. It stresses me out, so I will stay away from that for another day.
October 4, 2011
So I got sick. The lighting is so beautiful right now 7:00 pm in my backyard, cool breezy air, clouds are floating above with golden light touching their undersides. Clouds are moving. I recall a day watching wispy clouds pass by and they would disappear right in front of my eyes, if I watched them long enough. There is color in my world right now, the deep pink rose, the sky blue sky dotted with a pair of geese, the pink, yellow, orange glow of clouds. The green leaves already starting their irreversible process of dying so that they can be reborn. The orange and green fabric of leisure strung out between the apple mothers right now ready to let go of the children they have been nurturing. The clouds have moved, the color faded. Time is always marching on with forward movement. That is why you have to seize the moment and not get distracted. This illness is not a distraction but full of opportunity if I will but seize it. So I got sick. 
